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Thursday, 30 September 2010

Zombie 101

We are now taught about zombie's in classrooms, our instructional videos are no longer awkwardly made sex education tapes but step by step guides to Zombie survival, showing us how to first identify a zombie and then how to dispose of one. We are taught that running is no longer an option; they move too quickly, their hunger to ravenous to ever stop chasing. Once they get the stench of live meat in the brain they are a juggernaut.

Once we get into High School, our field trips are no longer to the zoo or the aquarium but to the battle grounds, night time excursions to cemeteries, armed with whatever weapon we had chosen to be trained with, knifes, slingshots, guns or nightsticks, it is all effective in its own way.

Dissections are no longer performed in Biology labs, but rather practiced executions. Large trucks turn up once a month for us all, each person gets one chemically subdued zombie and we are given 3 minutes to kill them. Not just stop them, but kill them, so we have to think fast. Even when drugged they are quicker and stronger than most of us.

The key is to get them on the ground first. A bullet or projectile is best, a slingshot if you have steady enough aim, anything that can be used from distance and easily carried around in real life. Once you have them down its just a matter of power. Cutting through the leathery flesh and bone of the dead is harder than it looks on television.

Then again, that is just how life goes after the apocalypse. The dead rise and you have to learn how to take care of yourselves. We all know people who died, we have all met and killed a lot of those same people. For some reason they seem to like the taste of family member best.

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